Parenting in the Digital Age
I am a mother of 3, and in an age where Peppa Pig and Coco Melon are all that young kids talk about these days, my husband and I have taken a somewhat strict approach to screen time and technology. This has definitely raised some eyebrows, but I wanted to share our journey on this and how we came to the decisions we have.
When our first baby came along, I loved the hours of uninterrupted TV time while I sat and fed her. I had just stopped full-time work and it was finally my time to binge on shows that people were talking about! As time went on I noticed our baby constantly turning her head towards the TV and being mesmerized by the screen. This concerned me and I did a little research into children and screen time and basically I could see no value in children watching TV or being on screens. I don’t recall what it was that I read, but it stuck with me that 30 minutes of screen time a day for children over the age of 2 was more than enough. 30 minutes is not much! One episode of play school (an Australian classic!)
To be honest, those first few years of having children was a busy blur because we had 3 children in 3.5 years. There were days when the kids channel or a few episodes of Peppa Pig felt like a lifeline, particularly because my husband traveled away for work a few nights a week. However, I was beginning to form rules for screen time at this point: I was in charge of when the TV went on and off; I chose what was on the TV; TV was not on all day in the background; TV was not a reward for bad behaviour and fighting with siblings while the TV was on would mean a premature end to whatever they were watching! I also made the decision early on that screens were not on while we ate. We have always eaten as a family (that’s almost another blog in itself!) and we don’t use any screens to entertain during eating time – never have.
When our eldest turned one, and we moved to Dubai, we tightened our TV schedule even more and only allowed the children to watch TV one morning a week and they have had to learn to take turns and share the time evenly so they all get their choice of show. They are allowed to choose from Netflix with a rating restriction (it also makes it very easy for me to see what they have been watching) and they enjoy a documentary about a zoo and a koala sanctuary in Australia!
Now, that is enough about TV. You might be wondering how we have approached other screens in the house. Firstly, our children do not own any devices. My opinion is that devices are not toys. Children do not know or understand the value of devices – and neither should they at their young age! It is too much responsibility for them. Our phones do not have games on them and I got in the habit of hiding the Youtube and Safari app in folders on my phone so the kids could not easily access them. Our phones were boring for the kids.
Now that all our kids are of school age, things have slightly changed – but not much. When school moved online, we found that many of the platforms that were introduced to support the school work then, have remained to now. There are reading, phonics and math programs online that our kids use as part of their homework. However, rules still apply. I am in charge of the timing.
So, how would I sum up our screen time?
SUPPORT – Other than the 2 hours of shared TV time once a week, I try to make sure anything my kids do on screens supports a value, a lesson or an understanding I am wanting for the kids. For example, the Australian News Show keeps them in touch with Australian culture and things happening there.
SUPERVISE – All screen time is supervised. Computers and iPads are only used in communal areas and for the time that I have set or agreed upon. No general browsing is allowed and I supervise what they are watching. You can aslo set timers so they have a physical reminder of when time is up.
SAFETY: You are probably wondering WHY I have taken this strict path? Am I such a killjoy? Well, for a number of reasons. Firstly, safety. Safety of them physically and safety of their mental health. The rise of depression, cyberbullying and cyber crimes is exponential and as parents, it is our job to create a safe environment for our children. Only 1 in 10 teens who have experienced cyberbullying will inform a parent or adult, and we need to think about whether we, as parents, want our kids to be in the online space prematurely.
Secondly, I have been teaching for over 15 years and see many children come into school with gaming or screen addiction. Children sit in class and their fingers are constantly twitching and they tell me they are still playing the game in their head while they are at school. It never leaves them. Their stories, creative writing and examples are always centered around the game they are playing and they can lack creativity and a broad understanding of the world because they are so consumed by their games. As adults, we are here to guide them, instruct them and put boundaries around them so that they can open their eyes to the real world.
Lastly, by not having screens, it has created a space and environment for my children to work on their social skills with each other, they have learnt to play together – which they do very well (mostly). Their imaginary play time is incredible and can keep them going all day. I have tried to encourage their creative streaks which usually ends in a lot of mess, but thats just a small price to pay.
I am often told that I will give in to my children’s request for screens because of peer pressure; that for some reason, I want my kids to conform to the rest of the age group. Well, quite frankly, I’m not that worried about peer pressure! Thankfully, up to now, my kids have not asked, but when they do, we will have an open and frank conversation about why they need it, what they will do with it and how they will afford it! And I imagine we will set a timeline or goal for an age we think will be ok.
If you’re reading this now and wondering if you can or should implement some boundaries for your children, here are a few things you might like to try:
LEARN ABOUT INTERNET SAFETY: Don’t shy away from reading what seem like horror stories about children and internet safety. Take them seriously and help them form your decisions on what you allow.
BE INTENTIONAL: Don’t assume you can just decide as the days and weeks go on. You can’t! It’s too disturbing for children if you suddenly tell them to turn something off without giving them sufficient warning. Always communicate your expectations in advance with your children.
INTRODUCE CONSEQUENCES FOR DISOBEDIENCE: As parents, decide the amount of screen time you think is reasonable for your children per day or per week, and decide what they are allowed to do. When you as parents have decided, communicate this with your child and remind them that there will be consequences if they break that rule. Tell them what the consequence is so they have all the information before they think of pushing the boundaries! If possible, make sure the consequence is connected to the behaviour. For example, I tend to say “When you broke my rule about watching TV, you showed me that I cannot trust you to watch TV in the way I expect. Therefore you will not be allowed to watch TV next week. I hope you will learn your lesson and show me that the following week”
You are the parent and you are allowed and expected to make decisions for the physical and mental safety of your child.
One of my all time favourite authors on all matters to do with kids is Steve Biddulph. He says this:
“Parents are very at sea about what their job is. They know not to do the old things where you yell and slam doors and things, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have a responsibility to have boundaries. You can be kind and gentle and caring, but you never have online devices in bedrooms.” – Steve Biddulph
Another child psychiatrist I like to read is Michael Carr-Greg. He talks about all screen time not being equal and how we can have positive screen time to support our children. But he also says this:
You don’t let your kids run amok on the road, and neither should you on the internet.
Whatever you decide, make sure it is something that you agreed to and that you are comfortable with. If something your child watches, plays or does on the internet rings any alarm bells for you, trust your instinct and turn it off! For the safety of your child.